The journey begins again

I believe that God wanted me to start a blog. So here it is. Let the writing begin.

I have been thinking and praying about what to write these past few days since finding out where my Mom stands in her journey of Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer which is now in the bones. I knew that i needed to find a place to journal what God is teaching me through this process. Let alone what He is teaching my Mom.

Ive been walking around tending to the chores of being the keeper of my home. All the while with these thoughts rolling around in my head. These thoughts about yet another loved one, now my own Mother, facing what could very well be the end. I have wrestled with God as I took laundry to the washer, or as I walked and rocked my newly born 2 month old to sleep in the middle of the night. I have no doubt that God knew that in some way shape or form that we would need that sweet bundle that loves to cuddle me as much as I do her. Why even now her head lays on my chest listening to my heartbeat. Bringing her that security and peace she knew inside my womb. Somehow shes been a comfort to me as I have tried to walk through this again in my mind and through my prayers to God.

Mom has her own version of her journey to share, and I, as her daughter feel the importance of sharing my version of our story.

Hearing the "not so great" news as I waited anxiously for her phone call the afternoon after her appointment. I almost already knew it was great news. That despite her getting a bad report that the cancer was coming back on her ribs and spine, i knew that since her being on the new medicine that no doubt God had healed her once again through the medicine she was taking. This time when I answered and heard her define her newest dianose that the new bump on her old breast cancer scare was in fact the cancer returning there too. But through the courage in her voice I could tell that again it was overwhelming news to her as well.

As I write this, I know that she is also seeking the Lord and trying to find answers. And no one can help her come to her own conclusion on her FIGHT except for herself. As her daughter, I have prayed and prayed, "Lord as Mom seeks you, help her to find the answers she seeks". What else can you pray for someone who's just been told that this could be a quicker journey then it has been in the past.

As I prayed for her, I also fought w/ God regarding my own feelings. Of course a daughter wants her Momma always. Of course this cant be the beginning of the end. There are grandchildren that need their Grammy. But then because of the Godly upbringing that she herself instilled in me, I know it sounds so selfish to ask for my will to be done instead of the Lords. Ah, the journeys we face in this lifetime. The shaky ground we have to walk at times.

Going back to my walking and talking to God as I "do life". As I turmoiled through the heavy stuff, I kept going back to a song I kept hearing on KLove. A song by Chris Tomlin, "Whom shall I fear" What's crazy is that I have been playing is so much that now my 4 and 5 year old will be playing on the floor or ground and singing these very words. Our hearts our very heavy for Egypt where my sister lives, and married into, our hearts are heavy for Pastor Saeed who is imprisoned for his faith. Our hearts are heavy for dear ones who have seen much tragedy this year. We ourselves buried a very dear cousin to cancer a few short months ago. But the thought of "angel armies" kept appearing in my head. When I first heard the song, I wasnt even singing the words right, until one day when I had a "ah ha" moment. And I heard the bold words "Angel Armies." My mind was blown. How much of my faith as been so tiny and itty bitty in what I am asking God to do. Now suddenly the whole universe opens up and I suddenly realize that we have a God of Angel Armies who fights these battles for us. I was going through my Bible app (Yes I said app) looking to see if the Bible used this exact terminology. I found it in The Message version of the Bible. All over the Old Testament there is was The God of Angel Armies over and over. How much more now could this God that I serve do anything He wanted for each of these circumstances. Including my Moms circumstance and so much more.

I cant for one second tell you the outcome of my Mom's situation. Nor will I try. I can't tell you what the next days, weeks, months or years hold for her/our family. But one thing that I kept going back to, as well as 'the Angel Armies' was what I have learned through nearly losing my son, through us losing my husbands daddy from cancer 2 years ago, and then losing our dear cousin several months ago to this awful disease. This one thing we committed to doing. And it was this....Look for God through the trial and journey. And where God shows up there is bound to be gratefulness and peace. He really showed us this in Shawns daddys passing. We would be distraught and a random stranger would come and encourage us w/ just what we needed to hear just at that moment. A preacher would randomly show and calm upset relatives when we couldn't. Money we didn't have, randomly showed up as my husband lost pay after running out of leave to stay by his daddy's side. Each step God showed up and proved himself through our tragedies. Making us gatherers of Gratitude over and over. It went from gratitude for these circumstances to gratitude for each other, for our kids, for our lives, for our home, for each and every lil thing this life gives.  Ann Voskamp beautifully shared today some profound thoughts about finding joy in the hard and touched me so deeply. If you get a chance follow her if your not already.

I admit that I have been overwhelmed by my Moms news. I have waged back and forth, and then this morning, and last night God begin to show me where my priority needed to be. Ann's post for today reiterated what God has been showing me. Find Joy, find Grace and find Gratitude. Here is the post from Ann's friend Sara who is now home free but oh she has some truth. This read will inspire- "Overwhelmed" It brought all of my heart to peace and rest as I have already been on the right journey w/ Mom's cancer. And that is these basic truths.  Be grateful for phone calls and visits over meals, grandchildren's hugs, laughter and tears. But in all of it. 

Be grateful for another day, week, month, year.

For now- for today, that is where I will choose to be as my moms daughter.

Signed another Gatherer of Gratitude.